Infinitely Vast

2012-01-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

It's been a while.

I have been trying to live well, I think.

Lately, life has been opposing at best.

I was robbed.

I have been dealing with isolation and identity on many levels...and not just my own, but for people in my family.

My computer crashed, and I lost its memory, much of which I was counting on to hold my own memories...and now I am imagining Mary, who treasured her memories in her heart not on her hard drive...sigh.

I wonder if I am living in worship anymore, or if I am just making it.

I do remember to be thankful, blog, I do...but I often find that thankfulness wants to overwhelm me with surges of love for people out of my memory (not my hard drive, but my soft drive) out of the blue and bowling me over.

This is when I remember that I choose to live in worship, and to accept the unexpected surge of love, and life energy on behalf of others, regardless of reason.

I continue to grow towards acceptance of what is, blog, and that is a miracle given the past few weeks have totally been a downer.

Thank you, Jesus, for activating life and love. Thank you for implanting this substance in me and the rest of us down here and allowing us to express it through the characteristics that make us who we are.

Thanks for continuing to give. It inspires me to keep giving.

Talk to you later blog. :)

2011-11-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

What life looks like right now. I keep having to reboot because Word keeps crashing my mac.

2011-10-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

2011-04-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

He is the veil draped before my face,

Rising and falling with every breath

Taken to move, feel and be

In struggle and joy

All beneath Him

He founded my truest self

Who wins and fails at any given time

At relationships, feverish or well

As I dance or collapse

Upon the one who holds me up.

Always a work in progress...

2011-03-09T20:49:00.001-08:00

Ash Wednesday, 2011.

Today was much like past Ash Wednesdays, complete with the challenges that come when a person takes steps to remove the obstacles that come between time and right-relationship with God.

An indecisive mother (that's me).

Who woke up after only 2 hours 45 minutes of sleep (why am I up at 11 then posting this you wonder?)

Takes kids to special early morning drop off.

Back home to try and rest for a time before making the final call on previous indecisiveness while the toddler happily sits in front of Micky Mouse Club House and eats chicken and ketchup.

Out of bed after 1 hour. No time to wash hair. Ponytail.

Make the call about where to go for ashes.

Drive to Trinity Lutheran.

Sneak in 15 minutes late. Sit for 5 minutes before toddler is too hard to restrain.

Go out into the mall area of church when toddler screams "I don't yike it! It's too wowd!"

Wander around. Had a good talk with the music minister.

Decide to leave when toddler starts throwing all the pamphlets on the floor.

Get to car. Change wet diaper (not mine).

Decide to try again and go wait for the ashes.

Wait. Get toddler off stairs. Wait. Get toddler off stairs. Wait.

Finally sneak in line for communion, ashes and blessing. Leave.

Head to Kroger for a few things to make beans edible and goldfish crackers.

Get sleepy toddler into the car and home.

Hand baby popsicle while I put together beans in the crockpot.

Eat a few bites of raw cookie dough made with almond flour and no sugar.

Grab toddler and put him back into the car to go and pick up our real car from the shop.

He falls asleep.

Exchange cars. Move all my stuff to my car, including sleeping 28 lb. toddler in a 10 lb. chair.

Accept message from God: Live in the present moment, receive My gifts.

Drive home in car. Put him in bed. He won't go back to sleep so its outside and into the hammock for swinging.

Take a few phone calls from dear friends.

Stand and hula hoop in the grass.

Greet big kids after school.

Take daughter to music lesson.

Have son pray over dinner, a simple bowl of rice and beans.

Read Psalm 85 from The Voice Bible.

Receive deep messages from the hearts of my children.

Bedtime rituals.

Creativity. Thankfulness.

Waiting for husband to come home so I can tell him how amazing today was.

One. Step. After. Another. Never letting go of the lifeline.

2011-01-25T13:17:00.000-08:00

So cyberfolk, (who may or may not exist except in my mind...or may really exist and not even know that I exist), I have come to a realization. While it has been an amazing experience writing with God for, it is time for me to write with God on our own behalf. I have a few ideas of what this may look like. I will keep you posted!

2010-11-24T12:59:00.000-08:00

Hello blog. Sorry I have neglected you...it's nothing personal, it's just that, well, I have been 'inward' as of late...trying to strip off all the things that try so hard to cling on to a person until they aren't sure who they are anymore.

I know. I know! It sounds drab, doesn't it. Low for sure. But I am doing ok. I am getting to know myself and have been sorting out which things are 'mine' and which things are not. Wow. It sounds selfish when I say it that way. Because what my heart hears me saying is "keep away from other people and manage your own life for a while". Which is sort of right but mostly wrong.

I have a big life to manage. A husband, three children and a part time job. I have never wanted to admit it is a lot to handle, but it is. I admit it! The two bigger kids need me to be near them after school and the little guy just keeps going and going...life is definitely full, and wonderful.

Other big things have happened too. Just this year I have gained two cousins by marriage, a step-mother and step-sister, a sister-in-law and two nephews...oh, and one biological grandfather. Life you are certainly surprising!!

In the past two years I have:

I changed churches, three times.

I testified in a murder trial.

I was in a car accident.

Become the mother of a teenager

I learned that being a vegan isn't working for me anymore.

I have lost and gained friends. To the ones that seem lost, I still love you and think of you. To the ones that are loving and holding me now, I am so thankful.

Which includes you, dear blog, who helps me to reflect on what is happening and slow down long enough to record it. That's a snippet, anyway, of what has been and what is...I hope to write you again soon.

I love,

and I live to love,

2010-11-04T09:27:00.001-07:00

Help Wanted.

2010-09-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I have felt it, I almost forgot how close I am to it at any given time.

Magic.

Life has been cathartic. Numb, dry. Don't get me wrong, this isn't depression talking...just an acknowledgment that being a person who is willing to be moved in God's motion, in the stream of life that is...that there are times when the flow widens or narrows or turns the course and at some point you look around and seem miles or ages from where you were just a blink ago.

My friend, and my daughter's teacher lost a battle to depression recently. Lost in the fatal sense. Tonight, with a friend and a few of Noelle's friends we gathered for dinner and then went over to the synagogue where the school used to live to somehow create a space for just time with Lulu. I didn't expect to respond the way I did when I pulled into the adjacent park. You see, the school, sadly, passed away a year and half ago...also a suicide.

With the passing of Lulu, I realized that I have not fully grieved the loss of Waldorf Education, and I don't know if I will ever completely be past it. What we had was unique. lovely. personal. spiritual. communal. irreplaceable. magical. Lulu enhanced the joy of being there daily. Noelle loved her deeply. She encouraged Noelle to be a stronger person. She taught her to believe in herself and her talents. She laughed and cried with her. She whispered, danced, and sang with her. They were dramatic. They were positive. Lulu changed lives by being in the room. She brought people out. She could see their true natures and would consider what it looked like to be loving. But she was also sick. Sicker than we all knew, apparently. Much of the details I not and may not ever know...but I am sad that I didn't know how sick she was, I can only hope that she somehow knew how much she was loved and appreciated.

When I exited the car into the park, I heard and felt the magic of what was. Of children in trees, in forests building stores and forts and hideaways...Of children running across an open field or playing basketball or gardening. Of interactions with snakes and frogs and kittens and wild squirrels. Laughter lives on there...it was everywhere. My body started shaking and I was overcome with sadness and began to cry off and on until my friend arrived. The three girls with us, of course, ran ahead to see if there were still forts in the woods, or to see where they used to hang upside down...to find all their treasured memories before the school bled out into it's cold hard death.

Grieving Lulu has awoken an anger and deep regret and sadness over the loss of Waldorf, of my community that I thought would always be together. But it's gone. Scattered to all different states and cities. There is but a remnant of it left, and I may just have to go and invest myself in it.

I NEED to be part of God's rhythms. I NEED to be reminded of who I am. I can't live in this electronic age and be fooled or lulled to sleep for one more day. I feel like I have been believing lies...it's hard to believe that this is what God allowed to happen. However...

We have found a great treasure in what God is supplying us now. Our new school IS amazing (although traditional), and the teachers there are A+ in my book and for this I am truly, truly thankful. And, although I hate the circumstances, I am thankful to Lulu for reminding me who I am, and whose I am. I am thankful to be reminded that I am free. I am an explorer. I am a creation who creates. I love, am love, and am loved. I am rhythmic. I am sensitive. I am alive, and I can allow myself to feel alive.

I love you Lulu. I love you, Harvest School.
I have a special place for you both in my heart,
and, because of that I will take you with me for the journey of my lifetime.

2010-07-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

I eat a really big salad.

I am not exaggerating. The salads I make are generally big enough for a least two to four people. Some raw foodies will say that you need to eat a larger quantity of raw food because the caloric amount in a salad greatly differs from that of an enchilada plate...which makes sense, but that is not why I eat such a big salad. Neither is it because I exercise to offset calories (because that is r.a.r.e.), or that I believe I need to eat more because I am nursing a baby.

Nope. It's a good excuse, though.

Earlier at the salad bar I overheard patrons talking about how healthy it feels to make a healthy choice...and that's part of it. I don't feel like I know who I am when my diet gets murky. I don't feel like I can expand into my entire body, you know? Like my hands feel detached, my legs walk on autopilot. Like I said, not myself.

Just now as the sweet lady was making my salad I was screaming inside. She took her sweet little hands and grabbed a mini handful of spring mix, and then I asked her for another of baby greens. I tried to remain calm on the outside as my head was rattling. I thought I might faint as she put a teaspoon of purple onion on, and about six slices of carrots. I think I may have gotten a total of two sugar peas (they were chopped) and five mushroom slices. As I went along I just kept adding more veggies in a panic thinking there wasn't going to be enough. I even started planning out what smoothie I was (am still) going to buy after I am done eating this baby salad. I mustered enough strength to ask for extra sun dried tomatoes and that went well...

The reason I feel like I eat such a big salad is because I don't believe I am going to get enough. Growing up our pantry was scarce. I think we may have had rice in there...that's all I remember anyway. My mom would often make tacos because it was so inexpensive and went a long way. Once my grandparents dropped off food at the house...$200 bucks worth of groceries which was a lot back then...not like now when that gets you a roll of TP, a head of lettuce, a few bags of chips, shampoo and tampons.

I eat a big salad because I want to fill up on the good stuff so I won't go out and fill up on the bad stuff. I have been overweight in the past and severely depressed and I feel like this is maintenance that keeps me from laying down at night and feeling like an extra person is lying around me. I don't trust myself to take care of myself which means I believe I am not enough.

Not enough wife.Not enough woman.Not enough mother.Not enough Christian.Not enough poet. Not enough artist.Not enough right about anything important.And not enough to be worthy of anything.

But today, as I was eating my salad (it was actually quite large after they tossed it all together, and quite yummy) I realized that because I am afraid of not getting enough, that I overeat even healthy things. That I try and stuff my fear of going without down without noticing that I am full. Since I am on a raw fast (this is day 4) I pray that I will learn to slow down with my food, and that goes for prepping and eating. I hope to also feel the abundance of what we have been given and feel the freedom to let go of my fear of not being/having enough to survive.

2010-03-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Shades of Spring

behind the eyes, and…
down the neck and…
across my chest—
my hands tingle while my face hangs numb
as screams they run,
up and down
with no voice to bear witness
as i swallow the course
[swallow the course]
[swallow the course]
(such a prideful pill)

i wish like mad i could lay like dirt
beneath the grass now reaching for new shades of Spring
under the hop of birds that chirp at squirrels
twisting up trees onto branches
that call for my breath
and exhale new life, light green.

2010-03-02T22:19:00.000-08:00

Not Perfect

a slave and a master
a victim,
a monster,
gaping hole
(& other random sorry citizens)
canned in her stained-glass skin
fight to surface,
fight to belong,
fight to cower,
fight just to fight (damn it)
fight to earn
(both all there is, and all that isn’t)

and i just can’t whip myself to budge
(toward her)
nor be a stubborn jackass anymore
(against Him)
i can’t stand idly by, just to sit down.
i can’t keep moving, just to be still…
i already have a king
i don’t need more rules
i have three, piercing me through Thee…

i just need…
i just want to fix you, please
i have these pieces, let me just help you back together…

yes, that will make me feel better.

to see you, looking like you aren’t broken
and to stop feeling my own shattered self for now.

2010-03-01T08:55:00.000-08:00

Soon I will start posting poetry again...
because soon I will be writing it again...
because it is becoming important again...

2010-02-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

"So, to prevent static cling, then, I just put these two little green balls in here?"

2010-02-21T19:43:00.001-08:00

What the?

2010-02-21T13:53:00.000-08:00

I am going to try and make this short, as I am about to head out to walk before the rain possibly comes...at least its looming!

I am so humbled today...this weekend in general, actually.

Here's what I have been lucky enough to experience in such a small amount of time...let's start at Thursday:

Thursday: Small Group...loving hearing about the life of an amazing person in our small group. How his life has some similarities to mine, and how he made me reflect on who I want to be as a parent! I could actually picture my kids in a small group one day telling their life story (at least I hope they will...maybe their life will take them in other directions--who knows!), and was sitting there with one of those "oh shit" moments...

ONE DAY THEY WILL SIT IN A CHAIR AND RECOUNT THEIR LIFE WITH OTHERS...and that is where it will be clear to them their lessons, what they have learned, where I failed and succeeded as a mother and as a teacher. Yikes.

Thank you GOD for this experience. SO BEAUTIFUL to me.

Friday...Mark and I finally got to have our anniversary couples massage, and we got more than we bargained for! Lots of laughs and humility...lots and lots of laughter and good talks (after the massage, not during...during he snored! LOL!!)

Saturday...I went to a Young Living essential oils workshop in the morning. It was wonderful. I actually had to leave because one of the oils they were diffusing was causing an emotional detox in me where I felt like I was going to have one heck of an ugly cry. Before I left though, I felt the urge to go to the exercise table and buy (although we are so freaking broke...) a book and a workbook for Mark and I to share during Lent on why it is important to take care of the physical bodies God has blessed us with. I am learning, through my grandmother, that I want to be as proactive as possible about my health so I can enjoy life until the very end. :)

Sunday...CHURCH. Can I just say "Hallelujia!!!"? I mean, that is so unlike me, but seriously...church is going SOOOOO well. SO WELL!! Our community is being blessed above and beyond by good people and a good good teacher. You can read our Lent blog here. I am overflowing with love for my community today (as always) and am happy to be existing in the now with them in our communion with God.

Also today, I had some sweet time with my big girl. She wrote me the sweetest song...I am the luckiest mom in the world, I swear (and I believe I did swear at the beginning of this note...sorry! LOL). Thank you God for my children, although I mess up at times, you are there with them and I am so, so thankful. Especially since I kill houseplants...I don't even see why you would give me children to look after...so, thanks, they make life worth living!

Gotta get moving...out to listen to more birds!

Love, K

2010-02-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

So.

I have been on a wild and deep learning experience.

It started a few days after the earthquake in Haiti. And, I'd venture as far to say I was hit with an aftershock of the quake. It's just energy in motion...right? And, I have been shaken with emotions, and pulled into a deep, sweet healing. Thanks be to God. Here's the story:

I went to visit my friend Debra and meet her newborn son either the second or third day after Port au Prince, Haiti was shaken to rubble by the earthquake this last January, 2010. I remember being so excited to see her baby, born just weeks before Christmas 2009. I arrived, and my sweet friend was so kind, but to be honest a little shell shocked.

I sat down with my 17 month old (who did not sit down, but started to discover the dog's toy basket) after hugging her and her 12 year old daughter hello. It had been a while since we had visited, although I think of them often. The Parker's are one of the funnest, most loving families I have ever met. Just thinking about them made me smile. So we sat down on the couch and she started to tell me how a TV crew was over at their house interviewing them the night before... what? Wait, what?...I was totally clueless. I should say, not that I have any excuses because I have he internet...but our family has no cable TV...so, we don't get streams of shows, or commercials, or valuable weather information or any news casts. We're sort of off the grid in that way...but like I said, I have the internet, and I did hear on the radio that there was an earthquake, and I had looked it up...but didn't really read too much about it.

It didn't even occur to me to think about their son in Haiti. The one they have been praying for, loving from afar for over a year. I felt like a dope. I listened for a little bit, hearing that they found out that he was fine and safe (enough) somewhere...still, I don't think any of it was sinking into my heart.

We hung out there, I met the baby, she let me feed him, I chased Levi from place to place before we decided to go and have lunch. I LOVE her daughter, she's so hysterical. We talked about how she was a vegan for a week and then changed her mind. All the while Debra seemed to be somewhere else. Haiti to be exact.

I left lunch feeling like I had failed as a friend. I was very discouraged in that I didn't know how to help. I began to pray for his safety. For him to come home.

The more I prayed for him to come home, the more God placed a love for him in my heart like no other. I was quite surprised, although I shouldn't be, that God would bless me in this way, that God would spill me over with love for someone I had never met.

One night, I was helping my 17 month old with something, and the Spirit moved me in such a way, that I can barely describe. I felt a love for this boy, like I had felt holding my newborn children. And, until this moment, this gifted moment, I didn't realize how much Debra and Ernest, and their children LOVED this boy. This precious gift so far from their home.

This is when it hit me that he WAS destined to be their son. He was a part of their family, he was always on their hearts and minds. I felt all at once extremely joyful and terribly shallow to have not ever understood it until now. There are not enough thank you's in the world I could say to Debra, Ernest and the Parker children to express what the blessing of this experience is to me.

Ernest, at this time, was 4 or so days into his 9 day standoff in Haiti waiting for their son's papers to clear. It was a terrible frustration...and many people were praying and working to help get them home. Home for good. I thank God, though, that this sweet little 9 year old had 9 days with his father all to himself. Nine days to cuddle and study his mannerisms, to feel the strength of his heart, and his arms. Nine days to be fought for. To see his father for the hero he is. Oh, God thank you so, so much.

My husband and I took our children to welcome them home, and we cried as they descended on the escalator into his family's arms...as he was reunited with his mother, met his siblings, and his grandparents. As he looked around to a community that has been praying and cheering for him for so long. People who LOVE him deeply, because God lets us. It was incredible to say the least.

That night, it was hard to sleep imagining all his 'firsts', and thinking about how wonderful it is to see your children have their firsts...but seeing him on his first escalator ride, his first plane trip, his first pizza...everything is so WONDERFUL. His life is precious. He is a hero. He is a survivor of things I can't even imagine. I am so thankful for his life, and for my friends the Parkers.

I am deeply changed, and forever in love with our God who loves us so, so much.

2010-01-27T06:25:00.000-08:00

Why do I continue to create poetry and art?

To be with and honor Him.
And, because sometimes I can't help it.

But, I think Scott says it best...

2010-01-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

I saw my friend Debra tonight. She is an inspiration to me in many ways.

I love my children deeply. When they are hurt, I think I may hurt 20 times more. As they are waiting for their son to come home from Haiti...I see that pain in her face. It left me in tears tonight as she told me her son did not make it on the plane to come home...

yet.

He will come home. Thank you, God, that he is alive and soon to be with his amazing family who have been loving and praying and caring for him for all this time.

Please, please take a minute to pray for the people of Haiti, for every soul that is there or heading over to help. Please consider donating to the many organizations who are taking funds to Haiti. We as a people have the power to show the world what truly matters. Lives matter.

K

2010-01-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

Hello.

There is so much swimming in my head and heart that its hard to find words for it all. When I feel like my feet are on a slippery slope, it's time to pull out the little book of life and remember.

i remember, God
that You lit the stars in the sky
and the stars in my eyes
You smoothed the sweeping curve of the lily
and the length of my neck
You tuned the coo of the dove
and gave me voice to sing

all that i am is a one of a kind moment
birthed to exclaim Your existence.

just like her, her and him
just points in time.

Just Thursday's thoughts...

2010-01-14T16:56:00.001-08:00

There's just gotta be something to talk about.

Really? Nothing? Huh.

Maybe tomorrow...

:)

2010-01-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

Am I a stinker? Well, I am in the hamper...

2010-01-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

Wisdom is coming...

Epiphany, January 6th (the 12th day of Christmas is on the 5th...better get your drums warmed up)

So, as this Heavenly Star is currently illuminating the darkness, I thought I would rummage through all things and clean out the garbage!

We've pretty much turned the house inside out, and have boxes of gently loved things to share...and found many indescribable things for the garbage can...LOL!!

Mark and I also started a body cleanse today, which is going well so far...we're sort of jonesing for some popcorn...but we're also looking to see where we've left God out of our lives, where we are not seeing our actions in alignment with God's plan for the world.

Mostly, my heart is tuned to restoration right now. There's a couple of areas that are especially highlighted...

On the smaller end of the scale:
Restoration of body and mind.
Restoration of some relationships.
Restoration of trust.
Restoration of parts of our house!

On a bigger scale:

Restoration of our church.
Restoration for people who are in need.

I am sure there are more...

2009-12-29T22:47:00.000-08:00

Today...

I am overflowing with gratitude for the unquestionable faithfulness that God has given us BECAUSE of our (albeit foot-dragginest, teeth gnawinest, fit throwinest, reluctant) obedience to be fully present where we are at.

The faces in my mind, the people who are pressed upon my heart, I hold in the most sincere and sacred prayer for 2010. If you are wondering...yes, you are probably one of them.

Here's the 2010 tenets of my life:

be aware of your expectations (both good and bad)
acknowledge truth
take responsibility for yourself/your actions/your inactions (both good and bad)
accept Jesus (as fully as humanly possible) and Godliness, accept humanness, accept yourself (both good and bad)

as always: Love, and love greater than humanly possible.

I hope you have a safe and joyful New Year's celebration!

Love, K

2009-12-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

He's coming... are you ready?

2009-12-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

A poem for Advent 4C

I am working on a poem to share at church on Sunday. And, although I don't think this one compares to Mary's beautiful song, I am committed to keep working on it!

Magnificence:

By her faith,
But His will,
By her vision,
But His foresight
By her voice,
But His words,
By her body,
But His seed.

Here’s this girl—young, strong
singing His song…
and beating beneath her heart
lays justice in her womb,
growing in power, in passion
as she moves
swirled in prophetic bliss
erupting pure worship
together,
with God,
and Elizabeth,
and their babies
shaping an interesting community
of Divine and humanity
of innocence and age
of artistic expression and foundation

through these women,
by this God,
for this world,
my sweet church
joy is to come.

let it be so.

2009-12-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

A poem for Advent 2C:

o come, o come, o glorious birth
where star illumes sky
and trumpets blare
and choirs upon Holy choirs
announce He’s here
“God is with us”, the chorus
His song is life and life is love
and you are called to sing it!

sing of Mary,
balanced on a burro
new life cupped in her womb
burdened by gravity
the Lord, descending
God is near—

sing of John,
shouting from the Jordan:
“The time has come to rethink everything.”
for families are in need
thirsty for a Savior—

sing.
sing water into wells
sing of love until it lets down like mother’s milk
and mile to mile joy is seen
springing off faces of children
parading over this world, revived!

Sing, until that glorious day of suddenly’s!
where flame ignites sky
and trumpets blare
and choirs upon Holy choirs
announce He’s here

because...
although our arms are warmed for an infant
they long for the Man who won this world...

whose song is life
and life is love
and you are called to sing it.

2009-12-05T11:07:00.000-08:00

2009-12-04T11:57:00.001-08:00

It's SNOWING.

In Houston.

So crazy...

2009-12-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

Poetry for the day...

It’s this ache that stops you,
a first warning that humans are real—
there’s no saving from it.
Either you kill yourself with avoidance,
or, you surrender to it…
embracing vulnerability—
holding ground through the torrents
(that

Just.
Want.
To.
Prove.
Pain.
Exists.
Damn it.)

While bearing chest to God
trusting the great hope is truth,
and this, too, is already cleared up,
the storm, though heavy, is blowing off,
and soon, your heart will rest.
you will warm, and dry—

soon.
Real, real soon.

2009-11-18T05:56:00.001-08:00

This post is a shout out to my girl NATALIE.

Click for shenanigans.

SNS: Balancing Act

Posted using ShareThis

2009-11-17T20:40:00.000-08:00

More acceptance...

I am addicted to Shellee Coley's new album, "The Girl the Stencil Drew"...but, what makes me smile with the most delight is the last song, "Happy", which ironically is about not being able to make people happy all the time.

LOVING IT.

I love that the idea of not making people happy all the time makes me HAPPY!!

This acceptance thing is feelin' good today.

If you want info on the cd, shelleeinfo@gmail.com . Order one, you won't be sorry! I have been listening to it since Thursday, and every time it ends, I wonder why there aren't any more songs...

Shellee. I am happy because you exist!

:)

2009-11-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

Acceptance.

We've been learning how to deal with comments about our school lunches in 6th grade this year. It's been fun. Let's give a short list of what 6th graders say:

"Ew. Your mom makes you eat that?"
"What is that?!"
"Um, just eat some meat, it won't kill you."
"That tastes like vomit!"
"That looks like poop!"

Luckily, we're a little ahead in our emotional maturity over here (nah, nah, nah, nah!) and we're just being strong enough to stand up for what is right, without retaliating (retaliating would be bad, right? Right, that's what I thought. Just checking!) If we were Jesus (and funny, you know, funny Jesus?) we could turn their lunches into sardines and crackers (fish and loaves...bar har) and then see who's lunch tastes and smells like vomit. But we're not funny Jesus.

It's hard to explain to a 6th grader who wants to be surrounded with good, fun friends, that kids can be mean. And, that if they act that way, day after day, even after you have asked them to stop...there is no real reason to keep subjecting yourself to emotional abuse. So, you have to move tables...

"Just try moving," I said, "and see what friends follow you. I know you want to be part of the group, but at what cost? If you are confident in God, and in yourself, then it won't matter if you sit at a table alone, or with 12 friends. You will be happy within yourself."

Ug. Who wants to hear that?! Who wants to face a life alone? That's the ONLY reason we put them in school!! FOR COMMUNITY.

So she moved. And, they followed. The lunch hecklers. *sigh*

I should have known that acceptance was sneaking up on me. My kids seem to bring my life lessons to me faster than I am ready for them (please keep this in mind when you are considering having children...some days you send them out into the yard to play only to have them return with a big stinkin' mess squished into their shoe for you to clean up. Still, they are cute.)

Acceptance was the word that found me last week in a way I had not known it. I met acceptance, like a 2 year old: stubborn, sticky and ready to ...well, not accept it!

But Acceptance is my next vocabulary assignment...and rightly so after expectations and responsibility...does anyone else find it amazing that God has been working the 12 steps with me and I didn't even know it? It's pretty crazy.

Why can't I have the "challenge" of acceptance in the positive sense of the word, as in: "your manuscript is accepted!" "please accept this check for $1,000,000!" "your children have been accepted to the finest Waldorf School in Europe, and you have been granted a full scholarship!"

Alas, I have a deeper sense that acceptance is going to be a little tougher than I expect...and, I can accept that.

Growth!

Oh, and my 6th grader? You will be happy to know that last week she told me, "Yeah, they are still saying stuff, but it doesn't bother me. I can't even remember what it was...that is how much I don't care."

When the going gets tough...

2009-11-09T20:08:00.001-08:00

Tampooned **NOT SO MUCH A GUY POST**

yes, it's a new word. i made it up to describe a very blushing incident.

we have lived at our house for a little over 3 years, and with this house, we adopted a few stray kids. :) we love them all, and all the lessons we learn from our brothers and sisters that go home to their own houses.

it's rare, if ever, that we see our other children's biological parents. when I say rare, I mean that in three plus years we may have seen/spoken to one set about 6 times. yet, their children have had at least a dozen sleepovers. and it's the same for the other set of parents. i don't say that to pick on them, just to be honest, and to further explain the soon to be revealed embarrassing incident.

after the halloween trick-or-treaters were home sorting and counting their stashes, our back door neighbors decided to hang out for a little bit after walking for miles (we have a LARGE neighborhood). We asked them to sit down (yes, we moved over the clean laundry mountain that i was planning to fold in between trick-or-treaters, but misjudged the amount of time it would take to doll out candy with a 14 month old who wanted to sit at the door the entire night). We were all chatting nicely about our houses, what we hope to update, while watching a very happy baby doing his usual baby tricks to get laughs and claps. (He's really good at stealing the show).

i don't know how it happened, but i suppose he left the room and went into the bathroom for a little scavenger hunt because as i finished saying something to the dad, he pointed at the baby and said, "what is he chewing on?"

...

all four of us adults, and two little girls looked at him to see him chewing on a tampon.

yes.

a tampon.

aren't you glad you read this far?

if you have ever been 'tampooned' i want to hear about it.

2009-11-09T20:01:00.001-08:00

Halloween...

They had a blast!

2009-11-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

A prayer for All Saints Day, or my son's 9th birthday, so I changed it up a bit as a blessing on his life:

God surround him by cloud:

Faithful witnesses who have gone before--

Those who have loved where he would have hated

Those who have healed where he would have hurt

Those who have spoken out when he would have remained silent

God may he walk in their footsteps

Learning courage from their sacrifice

May he learn to give so that others may receive

May he learn to love so that others may be set free

May he learn to die so that others might live

God may he join that cloud of faithful witnesses

Treading paths of loving obedience

Leaving footprints that others desire to walk in

God may he, too, lead a kingdom life.

Amen

He is such a good boy. I am so, so lucky!!

2009-10-31T14:48:00.000-07:00

Pumpkin Carving 101

Step 1--roll pumpkin across lawn to pumpkin carving area.

Step 2--celebrate getting the pumpkin across the lawn!

Step 3--Get a knife.

Step 4--tops off, guts out, 'accidentally' fling guts on your neighbor after 'sneezing'. Laugh. Laugh hard! Fling more.

**practical insert**
You can also use the pumpkin "guts" for a home-spa beauty treatment!

Step 5--carve personality into the pumpkin...

Happy Halloween!!

2009-10-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

2009-10-11T19:40:00.000-07:00

this weekend i...

cried for time.
wept, and celebrated with mothers.
longed for a community of 'me's'.
wondered if i was depressed.
wished the rain would stop, and keep falling all the same.

thought about a boy at the kids' school who's father died unexpectedly.
thought about girls changing before my eyes into young ladies.
thought about a five year old who died from swine flu.
thought about how vulnerable it is to be a mother, if i choose to be vulnerable to love.

thought about creating.

created a gift.
created time.
created thoughts and let poetry swirl in my head.
painted with pastels, until i knew to stop...

acknowledged that i was depressed, and went for my remedy.
played with my children, laughed with my baby.

am choosing to love, as much as possible--
and letting God make the changes...

it is autumn, after all.

so, i will fall into Him for now.

2009-10-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

Hilarious. I have to do this one day.

2009-10-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

HELLOOOO!

Ok, well, I, um, officially "STINK" at blogging regularly...

and strangely, I am ok with it! :P

SOOOOOO. A deal!! I have made a deal to make some racket for a friend-of-a-friend's jewelry shop--which I checked out and loved--and am happy to announce is in alignment with our 'handmade Christmas' gift-giving, which we are striving for more and more each year! So, ladies, please head over to Shelane's Etsy Shop and check out her handwork!!

AND...THANK YOU to Natalie...one of the shiniest, craftiest, funniest people I know for drawing my name outta the pencil holder!! If you are NOT reading her blog, you should be.

I feel like the luckiest pea in the pod today. :)

More later! Gotta get Mr. Snots in he car and wrangle up some kids from school.

Love, Kelly

2009-08-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dusty, dusty blog. :P

Today is an AMAZING DAY!

Today is the birthday of my littlest gift...who's not so little when you are lugging him around the grocery store, Target or through registration at school... LOL!!

This morning after dropping off my older kids at their new school, and trying to soak it all in... pulling tags off their crisp un-uniforms, lacing up new shoes, my tween straightening her already straight hair, loading up the car, getting to and through (successfully in the right direction, thank you) the school drop off line, sighing with relief and yet still a smidge of fear in letting them walk into something new without me.........

my little one and I came home to a quiet house, snuggled in bed and I had a good cry about how wonderful God is. How wonderful these children are. How wonderful my husband is for getting a vasectomy reversal so we could know this person. How AMAZING my labor and delivery was...how we could cuddle in the same spot he was born, and lay and remember that feeling of us being one, then becoming two.

Love
is
rich.

I am overflowing! Then, I get this song off someone else's post on facebook. God is good to reach down to me, to each of us...

Here is my little priest praying for dinner. He melts me!

2009-07-19T23:13:00.000-07:00

return, Word,
bring, too, the air of life
unforgotten
by this quill
uncertain
of what is noteworthy
to ink
under the guise of creation
where i
flick syllables left and right
searching for the ones
you anointed for this time
of true repentance
of guided healing.

I confess my broken heart, Lord.
I confess my longing to be held.
I confess my heart is yours.
I confess my life is yours.
I confess my time is yours to give and take.
I confess my thoughts are misguided at best.
I confess YOU are Eternal, Vast, Mysterious & Majestic.
I confess YOU are full of Wisdom, Grace & Love.
I confess YOU have saved me from all evil.
I confess I forget these things from time to time…although I don’t mean to.
I confess I don’t speak up as often as you prompt me because I am afraid of humans.
(I am trying to get better about it.)
I confess it is harder for me to change than I let on, that letting go and trusting is harder than I pretend.
I confess to being hurt, and not seeking to reconcile it properly, and holding bitterness within my heart…separating US from one another in my heart…but not in reality…as Jesus has mended all things.
I confess that because of these things, it is hard to know how to handle myself. And, because I don’t trust YOU enough, or myself, I have a hard time trusting others.

Dear God, may I continue to step towards YOU, even when I am afraid.

2009-07-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

I feel a bit lost today.

I am tired. Maybe going to bed before 12.20 am is a good start to feeling better. This has been a tough weekend. Mark and I are trying to decide if we should put our house on the market and move, or if we should stay here and make renovations. There are several hard factors in this equation.

Reasons to stay...
1.) The kids have developed friendships in our neighborhood...
2.) We are close to many things we've begun to enjoy: Ecclesia The Woodlands, and Class Act Productions for starters.
3.) This is a great neighborhood, safe and friendly, and we love it!
4.) Our house is a huge blessing, with more than enough room to share!
5.) Levi was born here! Of course, he was born in the bed...and the bed will go with us!

Reasons to leave...
1.) The renovations to this house are not so much the issue, as that we would LOVE to have a pool...and that renovation is costly.
2.) It would be nice to be closer to our family since we are no longer needing to be near The Woodlands for school.
3.) There are families in the Willowbrook area that attend ETW! We could start a small group out there and have community.
4.) We would still be close to Trinity, their school if we only moved 15 minutes into Spring.
5.) We are still not in 'that house' that we want to be in forever.
6.) I would like a bigger laundry room...or one that allows laundry not to occupy the breakfast room floor three to four days per week.

I am conflicted, because some of these reasons (ok, maybe all) seem shallow and not really, really good reasons to move. I am glad the kids' school is not an issue, because they have always been in private, and are starting a new school this fall...their friends are sort of scattered about anyway and doing different things.

Please pray for us as we sort out what this means for our family. It looks like come January, we may be on the market!

Peace, K

2009-07-09T14:45:00.001-07:00

Does anyone else see what I see? Hm.

2009-07-09T14:43:00.001-07:00

This is so freakin' cute:

Drink up, stay hydrated!!

2009-06-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!!!

A scrub that gets in to those hard to reach places...

2009-06-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

Walking the plank... Yippee!! It's good to be a pirate!

Watch out for this brood...they're tougher than they look! Who gave the baby rum punch?

2009-05-20T19:37:00.001-07:00

You know, a few people have mentioned to me lately that I tell some funny stories about my family, and I should write a screenplay or something...and yet, when I sit down and look at this blog any thought worth mentioning seems to run for the hills! Which leads me to wonder...that certainly certain conversations are meant for that time and that time only.

I had a poet friend once, who told me that sometimes he lets the words that are given to him come and then go back into the sky. I thought that was lovely, as I too know that poetry comes from another place. But to not be so self-serving as to keep them all, that is the beauty of a humble heart. Maybe it's this way with conversations as well...take them as they come, and let them go back to their origin. I can only imagine this is the way of the Holy Spirit...to move words through us, in their own passion, purpose and energy to bring opportunity to become closer to God and then return with the same passion, purpose and energy and information back to the source of life. The Word is where it all began after all...

Lately, I am reminded painfully of the damage people can do by words. How a spirit, life-breathed, can lash out at other spirits to cause purposeful damage by words. Thankfully, I know that words are also the healing balm. I know a word such as 'forgiveness'. I know 'grace'. I know 'mercy'. I know 'loyal love'. I know 'just-seeking'. These words are hard to manage on both ends, but those who ask for the strength to let these words move through them and use them will find the blessing of health.

Merciful Lord, please show us how to use our words....oh, wait. You already did!

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For all that is, is Yours...Your Kingdom, Your Power, Your Glory. AMEN.

And, may life continue to bring silliness worth writing and telling about. And may life continue to bring friends to talk and laugh with. :)

2009-05-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

TODAY...I have decided that since God thought Good News was SO important books were written about it...that I should be an advocate of good news...

good news.
laughter.
happiness.
creativity.
growth.

Yeah. Bring on the good stuff.

Love, K

2009-04-25T22:44:00.000-07:00

I just want to share with you, my desire to run very very far away. Surely, the farther I run, the freer I become...right?

Sadly, I know this is not true unless I am sprinting like a mad woman towards the light of life.

Rise light. My eyes are desperate for You.

2009-04-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't written any poetry for a long, long time. I am coming back to that place, I think...hoping to be once again in the flow of life that brings words meant to stick around.

He has a way with blood,
With life streams
that continuously flow
creation reborn every instant
Jesus is now.

Raising lilies from ash,
rolling over hearts like stones
that have forgotten how to skip
until now...

Because Jesus is now.

May He continue to draw life in and out of you.

2009-03-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

Cuteness.
Happiness
Bliss
Love
Big Godness.

:)

2009-03-25T13:53:00.001-07:00

So, I haven't been great on blogging through my Lenten fast. Partly the issue is that I have intentionally slowed down the pace of my life, including computer time. Some of the other part is that I have found in eating only during the sunlight hours, I get really, really sleepy early (actually, on time) and can't stay awake much past 10.30 or so without a head ache...interesting.

On the whole, eating only while the sun is awake has been a positive addition to my life. It feels natural. It didn't take long to lose my late night popcorn and chocolate smoothie cravings. Maybe three days? Now I feel stable on the routine. I can tell when to stop eating, even if it's a smoothie. I've cut myself off in the middle of several yummy smoothies, just because I knew it was time to stop! So amazing. :)

Today I am making raw seed burgers and seed bread in the dehydrator. I am also dehydrating pineapple to make some raw donut holes to share with friends. :) Want one?

I was asked yesterday how the fast from church was going...and all I can really say is that it is really hard. It's been a deep curative walk on the soul level. I have discovered many areas I needed to work on deeply. I found many things I needed to take responsibility for, repent and seek forgiveness. I am looking at my expectations of Church. Last year's Lent season had me looking at my expectations of God, my family and myself. This year it's branched out into church. Interesting!

I have found, that though I haven't been to church, the church has been with me! I have found the blessing in deepening friendships past the walls of the church and have gotten to spend actual time with people because I don't have the 'band aid' of seeing them for 5 minutes on Sunday to connect. It's been really, really nice.

I do miss worshiping with Robbie and my friends. I do love all the people at Ecclesia dearly and can't wait to be resurrected on Easter with everyone!

Love, Kelly

2009-03-07T09:07:00.001-08:00

Zumba. Zumba good.

I am happy this morning, to report that I have started to exercise again. My entire body is smiling and happy. The second Sunday of Lent is coming up, and I feel like I am stepping through a porthole to a simpler, healthier mind and body. My cheeks are sore from smiling!! What a great problem to have.

I have been working so hard to get things straightened out, and feel like I am just getting back to myself. My confidence is building. :)

And...tomorrow...there's a BIG fun surprise for my kids...shhhhhhh...don't tell, but we're doing something totally tweeny and C.R.A.Z.Y...

I just have two syllables for you--

JoBro.

(screaming commences...)

2009-03-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

Today was my first Sunday to miss church without having other plans. Actually, my plan was to miss church. I feel like a teenager that skipped school, I feel a little guilty. I noticed as the day went on, that I started to feel angry and short tempered.

I am also eating much better, and feel my mind is unwinding. I have been trying to also eat like Pythagoras during Lent...to honor the 'father of philosophy' a man who loved wisdom. He only ate during the daylight, and had light, mostly raw meals. I haven't been all raw, but since Ash Wednesday, mostly raw. I only say this because it may be enhancing the emotional upset.

This morning, I woke up and stretched for a while, talked to God and then did some exercise. We had friends over Saturday night through Sunday, and the house was a buzz with kids building a massive fort out of all the blankets in the house.

We capped off the evening by going to a local musical performance of "Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat". It was AMAZING! All children, and SO amazing. :)

Well, I am missing my evening popcorn and chocolate smoothie as I sit here with my water. . . which must mean that I need to stop and be with God for a bit before heading back into the Proverbs.

Sorry for all the rambling! I figure I need to post as much as I can, so I remember this crazy act of obedience, and hopefully through all this journalling, an answer will be revealed to me that will heal my heart.

Love, Kelly

2009-02-25T19:52:00.000-08:00

It's Ash Wednesday.

I am turning my church woes over to God for 40 days. I am giving up church for Lent to examine my motives on all levels. To rest, truly and look closely at myself and hold God's hand. I feel like I am entering into Lazarus' story.

Tonight, I feel like I am stiff, like I need to be oiled and wrapped in linen and placed in a tomb, in the dark...to wait for the light to come and free me.

It sounds so dismal...and depressing...but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I am about to have my life restarted fresh. Like, if I just give into this (mindful) rest, I will be called to live again.

God, I trust you with all my heart, mind and soul.

2009-02-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

Photo Update...

2009-01-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

...free to move...

I doubt anyone's noticed the slight change in my blog heading, but "free to move" is what I am trying to live into this year. And, lo and behold, claiming my freedom was my first hard-learned lesson of this brand-spankin' new year.

I've been down. Introspective, and serious. I went through some trials over the holiday season...mostly with patience and budget, and I really feel like I did it well. Money has a strange property these days. I was telling a collection agency just today that "money is not as solid as it used to be...it's more fluid. Like water. Water that trickles in, but pours out. That's what money is like these days. Nothing sticks." He agreed. It's actually nice to talk to creditors when everyone is in the same boat. I don't feel so ashamed and scared. Sort of makes me wonder if the creditor has creditors calling. We both agreed that we were just happy to be employed and able to do the best we could do. Nice.

Surprisingly, money wasn't my lesson.

My journey was darker, and more intimate. I want to lay it all on you, but I won't. Not because I am ashamed, but because it involves people I love, although it's not about those people. It was about me and the challenge that's laid before us all:

How will you love...
when it's hard to love.
when it hurts to love.
when you can't even feel love.
when you're attacked from all angles as soon as you choose to love.
(it's as if love is trying to see if you are really, truly committed to love...isn't it?)

so, how did all of this start, you ask?

Well, the days following Christmas, my husband and I started to wean back our cooked foods, and whatever food we did cook, we strived to be whole foods like steamed veggies or baked potatoes. We already don't do wheat or flour breads or pastas of any kind...but we are suckers for corn chips, salsa, beans and corn tamales!!

For the New Year we went to my uncle's lake house for time with the family. I relaxed and planned to keep relaxing...although at times it was a challenge as my 11 year old was subject to learning all sorts of new vocabulary and how people change when they are inebriated.

When we returned home after 5 days at the lake, I was exhausted, and pretty irritated on the soul level. I wanted to scream for justice for the innocent. I wanted to build a 10 foot brick wall around my home and keep the world away from my daughter and sons. I wanted the world I wanted, the one that is good, and alive.

Monday I spent thinking about cleaning, and paid bills. Just enough, so, so thankful to have exactly what we need and enough to donate to Advent Conspiracy...the goal of the holidays! When a person starts a cleansing diet like we had done, and a person is a sensitive being such as I am, that person (me) may (or certainly will, in my case) cleanse emotionally as fast as physically. That night, I went to my weekly group meeting with friends, and one of my friends was hurt badly. I was drawn to him, and so, so got where he was coming from. He and I were on the same frequency of pain, deep betrayal, and fear of rejection. It felt so good to get him, to be with him and just sit with him in it. It was an honor, and it helped me. Some of the things he said made me take note as a parent, and as a friend. That same night I began to notice a pain in my breast, something within me was dislodged, something was breaking loose.

I was hurting, the pain, both emotional and physical, was showing up as a clogged breast channel on the right side. It hurt, and I let it. I let it hurt. I let myself be hurt and mad and let down. Tuesday, I let myself go down. I grit my teeth. I felt it all lodged in my throat, I wanted to throw up scream bite kick flail my arms around and cry cry cry. I was down, so I prayed for my heart, and that God would help me, teach me to be loving when I didn't feel like loving. I didn't even feel like engaging with anyone. I spent the day cleaning the house...really, really cleaning it. I wanted everything out the door that we didn't have time or money to truly 'take care of'. 5 out of 6 baby bunnies that were born at our house had died in one short week for some reason, and I am certain its because we are neither bunny experts or bunny handlers. They needed to be freed or given away AT LEAST one week before they died...or one day even. The mom killed all but one, the one we gave away.

I had one, soul confidant in this time, one person who I trusted to keep things safe, one who I knew could love bigger than I could at the time...well, two including my husband, actually. Now, this is not to say I don't have people I trust. I don't tend to hide my true self or thoughts, and I have a select few that I trust with everything, yet, in all this sorting I didn't want to poison ANY of them. What's the point of telling tales of things, when it's all about the lesson at hand, really and NOT the people who trigger it? Anyway, this one gracious soul, pursued me, listened to me, prayed with me, stayed with me in my mess of a mess, loved me when I felt yucky, loved me when I felt guilty, spoke truth into all this falsehood for me, and it saved me. It was as if I cracked open and spilled out all over the place, but she hung with me as I examined every part, and put things in their right place (at least for now). She understood, which is part of what I needed...to be understood and I needed to say it to sort it all out. Examine it all, so I knew where to put it. I didn't need to, or deserve to be justified on anything, really. I just needed a way to set these things free. I needed a confidant, a place to confess. It was lightening. I love her truly.

I got off the phone. I prayed. I paced. I thought. I felt guilty for talking, I heard all sorts of shame in my head...but I just kept with it. I am certain, now that I am writing this, that somewhere, I had agreed to wait, and God agreed to wait with me. My husband was picking up a homeopathic remedy for my son's cough, and I thought to ask him to get one for my breast pain. When he arrived with it, I started on it. It was an answered prayer.

This morning, when I woke up, the world was different in that my heart was different. It's like I went to sleep as a million different screaming pieces, and woke up one whole being. I haven't felt as good as I have today in a while. I am so thankful. God spoke to me today on several things.

Always give from the heart, otherwise what you are doing is a chore.
(including a beautiful vision where my hands are open, and my arms are open, and I can see them connected to my core, my heart and soul, the source of all that should flow down my arms and out of my hands)

Expect less from humans, more from God.

When I have become desensitized, for whatever reason, pray. Pray to be love.

When things come against me, remember that love has opposition in this world. I can't love it with my own human love, I need to make sure my love is sourced from God's infinite supply.

Be truly thankful. Take it all in, everything changes in a moment.

That God will wait with me, and that it was good to wait in this pain, and not totally explode and wreck my world...but to confess to a friend, and to wait on love. So worth it.

And...if you've come this far on this epic blog post, I want to share with you the image that God gave me of us on this journey:

I hope you wait in God's arms. I pray you and I will continue to seek to love, to place our trust in the right source, lay our heads against God's breast, cling to Him (although He's truly holding us) and listen to the source of all love beating within Him, and take it in. He's liberated me once again...

TO FREEDOM!

2008-12-28T21:37:00.001-08:00

Him. In his first Levi's.

Sigh.

2008-12-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

"And more, much more than this...I did it [God's] way..." Frank Sinatra

...From water to wine in 2009...

This is my motto for the New Year! I am sure Frank meant to say God's way...LOL. Actually, the second part is my theme for the year, and I like it! May we be changed through Jesus from water to wine! Beautiful.

We've just accomplished what was once unthinkable to us...an all CASH Christmas! We made it. No debt incurred, and it feels AMAZING! I made cuts, made gifts, made each card thoughtful and sincere, and meant and felt EVERY BIT of the blessings of the season.

And...the season didn't start off easy for me either. A friend of mine so lovingly refers to it as my "funk" (thanks John!) I kept having visions of a baby being born beaten bruised and bloody, and it was all my fault. I had a hard time looking at my precious soft and squishy baby boy and not grieving whole heartedly for Mary. There were many days when I fought and wretched..."what kind of God are You?!" I had grave fears that something horrible was going to happen to my kids and was upset that I pursued having another child that would experience the pains of this world.

See what I mean? Funk.

But, all the thought and love that I ended up putting into each person, because of budget, waiting on checks to come in the mail, and because I wanted to be truly giving from the heart, I moved from fear to awestruck. Amazingly like childbirth. It seemed so natural.

I have a few more gifts to finish (sorry Dad! It's coming!) and a big happy house to clean up, but all in all, I think this is one of my most favorite Christmas celebrations. The kids agreed. Last night, they said they thought this was the best Christmas yet, because it seemed that this year, it was more about Jesus than any other. I don't know if that is because they are growing up and can see it more clearly, or if its the shift to Advent Conspiracy through our church, or what...it's probably God. Yeah, let's just say it's God, and He's shifting perspectives. I noticed that my perspective has changed SO, SO much. There wasn't anything I wanted more this Christmas than to see my children smile and love deeply. And that we did accomplish. :)

What a wonderful blessed end to this year! As for next year...well, you read my theme above, now I just need to live into it! Here's a taste of what I am praying over 2009:

Peace, rest and wisdom.
Family fun & time together!
Deepening my relationships with friends, sinking roots into my community
That I will truly feel liberation, truly, truly.
That God will use The Voice to transform lives.
T I M E M A N A G E M E N T and O R G A N I Z A T I O N (biggie, already working on it!)
Financial freedom/bliss (biggie, God's already working on it!)
Healthy, health, health... :) Eating right and Exercising! Back in the saddle!

That's a hunk of it. I pray God's favor upon you for 2009!!

Love, K

2008-12-17T21:22:00.001-08:00

There is soooo much going on over here that I barely have time to type this sentence at 11.22 pm before hitting the sack for the night.

I just wanted to say that if you are reading this blog, I love and care for you.

Truly,
Kelly

2008-11-29T20:49:00.001-08:00

I am SO thankful for you.

:)

K

2008-11-13T19:15:00.000-08:00

HOLY GRINS!

2008-11-08T21:07:00.000-08:00

I have learned so much about community and our place in it in the last few weeks.
I have learned to see the other side of my commitments, and what it means to others that I be honorable with my word.
I have wrestled with my pride...
and wrestled,
and wrestled
to overcome the idea that I could possibly have hurt other people by my action to 'live my best life, make the best choices for my family, and pursue health'.
I have learned to humble myself before others, apologize and seek forgiveness.
I have learned that small annoyances to me, may be the biggest blessing to people looking upon us from the other side of the fence, or across the street.
I have learned that to watch children in utter bliss...is bliss.
I have learned that God wants to give to me, and I want to receive and be thankful of God.
I have discovered that life happens one hope-filled 'quest'ion at a time.
I have learned not to talk on the phone when I am driving, working, or cooking...or wanting to spend time with my kids, talk with Mark or nurse the baby as nothing gets done as well.

I am sure there is more that I have learned or re-learned...like, don't taste really hot soup until it cools down (Duh.).

May we never stop learning.

2008-11-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm amazed by life, and it's amazed by me...
we're a strange old pair: me and eternity.
It don't make much sense, it ain't easy to see...
but I'm amazed by life, and it's amazed by me.
-Don Chaffer, Waterdeep: "Good, Good End"

What a mind boggling day:

An unexpected gift in the mail
An amazing connection with God and a friend
Bought two friends a drink
A morning of volunteering up at the school, partly in the rain...
An afternoon serving Levi, working and enjoying the weather
Daughter comes home distraught from teasing at school
Friend comes over to spend the night
Picked up 4 bags of farm fresh veggies at the co-op in Spring
Backed into a car trying to get out of the co-op driveway
Made it home to fix dinner
Do homework
Bathe kids
Talk briefly with Mark
Put kids to bed
and then sit in awe of the quiet.

Don't know what to make of today... I guess it would be best to count my blessings...

An unexpected gift of love
A great friend
A great school
Opportunity to grow and be compassionate
Healthy food for healthy children
A forgiving woman
Car insurance
Dinner together as a family
A husband who works hard AND does dishes
Peace and Quiet
A God that loves me.

Yes, yes that's it.
I pray you are feeling God's love where you are at today.

2008-11-02T18:18:00.000-08:00

More fun photos of Levi. I am going to catch those big kids soon and make them smile...

2008-10-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

Can you have too much fun? :) I doubt it. Thanks, God!

2008-10-12T21:20:00.001-07:00

Ah, love. I can't believe he's about 7 weeks old! Time flies...would you believe my peanut is already 14lbs.?! I am getting a backache!

Here's an update: Noelle went back to school a week and a half ago, and is having a BLAST. I am SO happy for her! I have my two little men during the day, and we are having fun. I have gained so much "mind space" not thinking about 5th grade curriculum. I truly feel it all worked out on God's time!

2008-09-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

Home.

Love, Kelly

2008-09-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

Refugees

Well, maybe not in the traditional sense... I mean we are just stationed over at my mother's house, but it's a crowded house with five kids between 3 and 10 plus one newborn, and six adults. Still, we have all the comforts of home (yet we're still away from home!).

My mom is in Nana heaven. :) And I am so happy that she is so happy! All the kids are not sure what this extended super slumber party is all about, and from time to time emotions are thinning... but all in all we are so thankful for SO many things!! I thought I'd post some here:

That our family survived the hurricane with our lives.
That no one in our family had any major damage to their property.
That soon enough, we'll have our power and water restored, and life will move on.
That God is bigger than hurricanes, and though the storm was bad, I believe God will use it to draw people together (I've seen it in my neighborhood) whether it be over a broom, a chainsaw, a bottle of water or bread... and in doing so, draw them closer to Him.
That we are learning about patience and endurance... although like I said, we are still surrounded in luxury.
For baby Kat who surfed into life on the wake of Ike!
For peace in the midst of a storm (and it was beautiful to behold... what power!).
For family.
For health.
For the smell of baby's breath.
For time slowing down, and stillness resting on the 4th largest city in the nation.
For people finding things to do that don't involve anything electric!
For conversations.
For someone who's doing the laundry, and the dishes, and hugging my kids (Yeah for Nana's!)
For the abundance of food in this city (even when it seems scarce, there's more than enough for everyone).

for so much more... but for now I am going to experience being grateful for a slumber party with my two handsome sons!

:)

K

2008-09-10T17:49:00.001-07:00

More? You got it. Sigh... I am sooooo in love. :0)

2008-09-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

10:00

This is the time I need to be in bed falling asleep to make my life work. I discovered it recently, and have fallen deeply in love with 10:00. I am even MORE in love with 9:30, but with the extra half hour to 10:00 I can round up what I need to start the day in the morning. So, to you 10:00... I say GOOD NIGHT!

2008-09-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

Levi Nathanael Hall

2008-08-28T13:50:00.001-07:00

The baby's here!
I'll try and post pictures soon, and later his birth story...but here's the stats:
8# 13 oz, 21", BOY!

Born at home, naturally.

In bliss,
Kelly

2008-08-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

tomorrow's the biophysical profile! i go in around 6.30, and get to 'see' the baby! i am going to threaten the life of the technician so i'll be sure to NOT find out what the baby is at this point... i just can't wait to find out at the birth! i am SO glad we waited!

here's praying for a healthy baby with lots of fluid and not too many days 'over due'.

2008-08-18T17:56:00.001-07:00

I...

have had an emotional day!! but i finished one of the poems i was working on. i am working on a photo project with it. gotta do something with this pregnant belly while i still have it!

Love, me

as you descend,

i will receive you, uplift you, feed you—

shelter you in this new found womb of my arms,

withholding this world with my right,

drawing you further into my heart with my left...

&, although i am limited by my strength alone,

i draw on the strength of the Great Hands

hands that formed me,

picked me up in shards when I or the world broke me,

and formed me once again.

yes, i draw on this strength like life's first breath,

and find peace, that this same strength shall be with you,

when i can hold you no more.

I love you, baby!

2008-08-15T06:41:00.001-07:00

It's the baby that releases the hormone to start labor. Truly, it has nothing to do with me.

:)

Waiting with everyone else...

K

2008-08-09T12:03:00.001-07:00

Went to the midwife, she's guessing at least an 8 pounder like the others!!

Please pray the bulk of the weight is in the baby's toes...

:)

2008-08-07T19:40:00.001-07:00

Mother coming over to help with kids. Check
Birth photographer. Check.

Nerves of steel...gulp, uh... Check.

Ha.

Well, actually, we've managed to slow down to snail speed at the Hall homestead, which has been refreshingly WONDERFUL. I can't even manage to get the car over 4o mph, much to the frustration of anyone who's behind me. We've just about got everything ready for the arrival of our new baby, all that's left is to bag the receiving blankets and towels and get them labeled for the oven.

Tomorrow I'll make red raspberry tea, and fill ice cube trays with it. I have a midwife appointment (maybe my last! maybe not!) tomorrow at noon, and it will be a happy time to see her after three or so weeks of her being out of town on travels. I am happy that time allowed her to be refreshed, and that she truly enjoyed her time away without worry...and I am happy my baby decided he or she wanted to wait for her to get home before coming!

I am longing for fall. The sound of crunching leaves, the smell of burning leaves here and there, the shorter days, and (hopefully by November) cooler weather. Maybe it's because I am ready to 'harvest' what we've sown, or maybe I am just ready to skip and jog and touch my toes without grunting or laughing at myself! To be able to reach things I haven't in a while...like the bottom of the washing machine to get that last little sock out and into the dryer. To sleep on my stomach...yes, I see that this list is really nothing about fall whatsoever anymore! Maybe I'll lay on my stomach in a big ol pile of leaves. :) Yeah, that's right.

2008-08-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

Yes. I am still pregnant.

:)

2008-07-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in front of my birthing tub, wrapped in a towel as it fills up
and reading all the encouraging statements that have been "sharpied"
(poetic license) on the walls of it while contemplating my time, and what's to come. At the same time, I am grieving the loss of a dear friend's pregnancy at (I think) 16 weeks. Her loss is my loss, and my heart is breaking for her and her sweet husband and three girls who were looking forward to their next little brother or sister.

I am reminded of my own miscarriage 11 years ago, and the pain that stayed with me for what seems like eternity. It was a deep, sharp, turning sort of pain that brought out a nasty side of me. I went online today and searched to find information on any sort of ritual idea that would be helpful, but there was not much. There was something on line from a female Rabbi talking about how traditionally they don't consider children as 'alive' until they have passed their head and shoulders out of the mother. I thought that was interesting... So, until then, until 'life has started' outside the womb, the mother is the priority.

Then there was another article that discussed a Buddist temple where a woman experienced beauty among many small statues placed there for pregnancies and miscarriages...a sacred space for women to celebrate or grieve I suppose.

I know that my brother and his wife held a funeral of sorts, just them two, when they miscarried her first pregnancy. I think this helped them.

Not that my friend will want to do anything like this now, or at all... but it got me to searching, especially in light of the fact that I am due in two weeks...and especially in light of the fact that I am searching for the special way I present my daughter with 'the talk' about how her body is amazing...

I don't know... but thanks for letting me think out loud. I think I will get in the tub, and see if I can connect with all of the women who have birthed before me.

K

2008-07-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

Here's something nonsensical that I am working on... :) Maybe someday I'll get around to finishing all these things I am working on!

tears

drawn from my breast
as moon on water
but I, so still
to fear of what I cannot hold back
[time]
passing through me,
empty as unfolded arms heavy
so I shift their weight around my back
where they’ve bridged an ocean
of rapid moments
eclipsed by life un-seized

don't ask me where this is coming from! i must be dusting out some old wounds or something!

K

2008-07-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

I am aware that something is happening.

The past few weeks have been hard. Deadlines, late nights, long drives to town and back, a death in the family, pneumonia (mine and Noelle's), insomnia, staring at my shortcomings, feeling deeply...like survivors on a deserted island, these things stand watching for any change, any relief to come.

And, today... with the rain, after a long day of hauling Hall's to the Dr., the pharmacy, to Target and finally in town to their last rehearsal before the play this weekend... I began to be able to breathe again. Oh, sure, it's more than likely the antibiotic I finally caved and went to get today, or the breathing treatments I've had to administer 3 times today... but with this physical relief, I found a new breath.

As I was going through my nighttime ritual (bath with book and hopes of being able to fall asleep, then bed, then up again...note: the time of this post is somewhere between 1.30 and 2 am) my spiritual self began to mourn. At first I just noticed that my eyes were stinging and itchy, and thought to dismiss it but quickly changed my mind. I instinctively started to breathe in deeply, and breathe out through my mouth while moaning in a pitch that can only be described as some underwater creature's sound. This sound, is hard to describe, as it was more than a sound, but a vibration that was shaking my heart and as it did was scattering tears down my face, onto my chest, and into the waters of the tub. It hurt, and yet I felt right, and afterwards I felt more connected with the inner longings behind my ribs, I felt ache, deep love, grief, fear, joy. I don't know if I could actually describe it well enough. I am still caught up in it.

There are so many things on my 'to do' list before the baby comes, but I think I am going to throw the list out the window and take a hiatus from 'doing' things. After this weekend, the plays will be over, and I'll have very little commitments on the calendar...so I think I will commit to sitting still. Commit to remembering who I am and listen to what's beating behind my chest, what passions move me. I may work on some art, photography or poetry--things that have been dormant for some time.

I need to be out in nature, to rekindle my love for vibrant living energy and my connectedness to it all so I can carry the love and life with me in the birthing process...the birth of a new little person, and the rebirth of a woman and mother.

May you always return to the source of love...and there, may you know no boundary.

K

2008-07-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

Getting closer to being ORGANIZED for school! This past week, we were up in Austin, and while Noelle was at Texas History Camp (she had a great time) and while Mark and Gabe floated down the many rivers of the hill country, I was holed up with binders of curriculum and a calendar. :) And, I got much more accomplished than I thought!

I am so excited to have the first semester of 2nd Grade all lined out! (with God's help, we may actually be able to manage the plan!) I am partially ready to start drawing out 5th grade, just a scotch more reading and deciding to do...so, I am pretty stoked. We're going to start THIS Monday reviewing and tidying up (mostly the class room) and finishing un-done tasks from 4th and 5th grade (mostly practicing). It's my hope that by getting into our rhythm now, when the baby comes, we'll be more likely to flow in the groove...but, I am also ready to scrap it all for plan B, which is... uh, in the works? LOL!!

This Monday I will be 37 weeks and holding... I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has gone. I can't believe I can still wear my rings! We are all SO excited about the baby coming, we don't know what to do with ourselves! Tomorrow the midwife is coming over to check out the house and make sure she knows how to get here. I spent time today making final shopping lists for any supplies I need for our home birth, and I hope (after resting and working on getting well) that my mom and I can knock out the list this week. Wow, 37 weeks.

Ok, so I have a brown haired, hazel-eyed daughter, and a blonde, blue-eyed son... any guesses as to what the next one will be?

2008-07-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Promise.

I thought I'd start this post with the positivity that I am encircled with today, although its a bittersweet day at best. My grandfather, Emmett Vernon Stewart let go of this world this morning at 5:45 am in the company of his son, my father, Walter Emmett Stewart, one of his 10 children. He survived 20 years of Alzheimer's.

There are so many things I've thought to write about the experience I've had with death and the Mystic this last week...but I have yet to get anything down to share. For this I apologize, as the experience has been life altering for me.

Last Friday, my Gramps' body decided to start to 'officially' shut down, refusing to swallow any nourishment. It was a painful process to watch, and when I went to visit him, he clearly was confused, and worse, imprisoned in a darkening vessel. When I visited him, I sat or laid up on his bed (as best I could with my big belly) next to him and whispered in his ear. I don't really know what's best to say to someone who's obviously trapped and scared. So, I told him what he already knew.

That I loved him.
That Jesus is waiting on the other side of a blink with perfect health.
That I was thankful for him, for being such a brave and strong man. For leading his family of 10 children and 39 (soon to be 40!) grand- and great-grand children.

I didn't know what to ask God for, so I just thanked Him for the gift of time. And, I have been sitting and listening to the greatest stories of a boy born in Tiajuana, a cowboy, a naval officer and champion boxer, an inventor, and an entrepreneur. I have witnessed and heard an amazing love story between a man and a woman, how even when he didn't know anyone else, he strained to hear my Granny's voice and would grab for her hand. Sweet times, funny times, crazy times...but all together wonderful times.

I am really, really proud to be a Stewart. Part of a family of all denominations and religions bound together by a deep love. Part of a tribe that's been scattered across the globe doing all sorts of different, amazing, wonderful things.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write about death. Today, I am breathing in love, celebrating life, living in awe.

Peace, Kelly

2008-07-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

This is one of those nights where I thumb through volumes of thoughts in a desperate search for the one right way to describe what I am feeling inside...and I wrote a couple of depressing paragraphs this post, that I just chose to delete. Here's what I've decided.

I accept.
I accept.
I accept.

Yes.

Yes to the healing that comes by accepting Jesus. I don't say that in the "let's all accept Jesus in our hearts and grab a pizza" sort of way... I mean it in a "what is in me that needs to leave, so there is more room for the healing miracle He's given me" way. How can I believe more? How can I be more alive. How can I be more full of Love, Grace, and Forgiveness? How can I laugh more, run more (yes, I know I am 8 months pregnant), play more, engage more... How can I honor God in this life He carved for me, my name etched in a tree by streams of blood.

To all He gives I say yes.

And, in spite of my human desire to plague the world with a barrage of depressing content, a long struggle and questions beginning with "Why..." I choose instead to ask "How..." and move within the safety of His wise government.

Yes.
I accept.

2008-07-02T06:40:00.001-07:00

I read this poem on the www in an article about a man who went around the world dancing. It's one of my favorite poems to date...I thought I'd share. And, if you want to see the video, you can go to www.wherethehellisMatt.com.

Love, Kelly

Stream of Life
by Rabindranath Tagore

The same stream of life
that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world
and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life
that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life
that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious
by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages
dancing in my blood this moment.

2008-06-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've had enough. You think that at some point, soda companies would gain some scruples. Click here.

2008-06-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

I had one of the greatest days. One of those days where you are outside-looking-in, but in motion with everything going on around you... one of those really in-tune days, I think it blossomed out of the intent I started the day with:

"I am going to take in love and life in any way I can today, and whatever comes to me as poison I am going to trust in the divine design of my body and the Spirit to protect my soul and discard it."

Another personal attitude I am trying to incorporate into this idea (the idea of being able to discard poison, especially any sort of anguish, bitterness, or pettiness that festers into infectious sores) is this:

"May I love greater than I can humanly love today, extend my heart into the world as a hope offering... and, should the world trample it, stomp it, kick it, spit on it... may I choose to pick it up, revive and refresh it through further acceptance of the blessing that has already come... and my I choose to remain vulnerable and love once more."

It seems this helped my attitude from food to conversation to worries... I am still perfecting the wording, and such...but so far I have found that it helps me to not stay in the mind-set that I am obviously flawed, and basically a jacked up excuse of a human...just because of the fallen nature of man. It occurred to me recently, if I continue to choose to focus on the 'badness' of my self and humankind, and not be in the 'now' of consciously choosing each and every day to accept more of the blessing that Jesus is...then I am rejecting His concept of cleaning up this world...one soul at a time.

So, that is my new goal...in this life, in this process of being aware of my expectations, choosing to be awake in my choices (from breakfast to curriculum to parenting to relationships...), and not only awake but responsible for what I have chosen... to be vulnerable, in the healthiest sense. To trust in the full and eternal blessing that occurred upon Golgotha, to accept more Jesus and to let the Divine design work the poison out.

May you find love in unexpected places today.

Love, Kelly

2008-06-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

I am working on collecting scripture and poetry for labor. If you have any you'd like to share, please leave me a comment with your favorite verses or poem. I will truly appreciate it!

Here's something God and I are working on:

as you descend,
i will receive you, uplift you, feed you,
shelter you in your newfound womb of my arms
withholding this world with my right
drawing you further into my heart with my left
&, although i am limited by my strength alone…
i stock my trust in Greater arms that have consoled me
that this shall be the way it is until I can hold you no more.

Uh…I am still working out the kinks though. ☺

Love, Kelly

2008-06-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

A Benediction for Fathers

In the beginning, from the womb of His hand
caked in sand, birthed into form
a place for His very heart: a son of His own.

Raised on wisdom, feasted on eons of passion, lullaby’d to an eternity of dreams—
meticulously drafted, designed, hand-crafted…
appointed to appreciation, the overseer to love and care for all creation:
to father the new, the fresh, the weak,
to minister the orphaned, the old, the outcast on the street.
But guard not by back and brow alone,
as you know the tenderness of woman is from what you are sewn
and wisdom, yes, of the Word emblazoned upon your soul.

Never left alone by grace, know the All Father who made you at will…
is yearning to guide & walk beside you still.

May the grace, mercy, and peace that come only from God the Father and our Lord Jesus the Liberating King mark your life and the lives of everyone touched by your words and deeds.*

(* This last part is from 1 Timothy of The Voice)

2008-06-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

Alas, the end is near...

Here's a question:

What do...

Galveston
The Zoo
The Museum of Natural Science
Miller Outdoor Theatre
HITS Theatre
Ballet, Tap & Jazz
Park days
Co-op days
Two kids
and a Mom with an ENORMOUS gas bill have in common?

YES! We're home schoolers! And alas, the end of our first year home schooling is coming to a close. We're still going to have to tidy up some loose ends over the summer, but rest assured by September we'll be ready for fifth and second grade with new baby in tow! (Someone please remind me of this enthusiasm, albeit sarcasm in September)

Honestly, though, we really love the groove of home schooling. :)

On the pregnancy front...I am in love already :) ...all is going so very well, and we are looking forward to meeting this happy, healthy baby in August!

In this ever increasing Houston heat, may God's grace be a shady refuge to you.

Love, Kelly

2008-05-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those days...the one that comes with deep cleansing and reflection. I've been low-keying sugar the last few days after realizing how some processed sugar had crept into my life and my body. So, today, the fourth day of detoxing the equivalent (chemical-brain-wise) of heroin, I've hit a slight low. The kind where every thought is contradicted within, held, then released, then grabbed back to breast as if I am not sure if I can release it into the world, only I am convinced that this is just part of the 'ever peeling' self, regeneration.

So in times like these, I call on my poet, and try to take comfort in the re-creation of myself (although I am still a terrified little girl inside) with words that will sob with me at the release of control over 'what I will be when I grow up.'

And though my words come and go to the sky, Paul's are etched on my heart for eternity...

"Now I’m sure of this: the pain and suffering we endure now is not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us. For all of creation is waiting, yearning for the time when the children of God will be revealed. You see, all of creation has collapsed into emptiness, not by its own choosing, but by God’s. Still He placed within it a deep and abiding hope that creation would one day be liberated from its slavery to corruption and experience the glorious freedom of the children of God. Everything created by God, including every bird, every beast, and every plant, is moaning in unison with birthing pains up until now. And there is more; it’s not just creation—all of us are moaning together too. Though we have already tasted the firstfruits of the Spirit, we are longing for the total redemption of our bodies that comes when our adoption as children of God is complete—for we have been saved in this hope and for this future. Do we hope for something we hold in our hands? No, we hope for things we have never seen. If we hope for things we have never seen, then we hope with true perseverance and eager anticipation." Romans 8:18-25, The Voice

In His might I entrust my precious hope.

2008-05-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

My kids make me smile. :)

I had to take some 'head shots' the other day (I know, both rare and WEIRD) for a back cover of an upcoming Voice release. This was the end result...two kids, taking over the camera after giggling at mom trying to manage her own photo which had to be done by the next day. LOL.

After much debate from family members, we all finally decided I should submit this one:

It really captures the soft side of me...don't you think?

K

2008-04-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

hope's made its climb
peaked,
with two feet atop a toppled grave

and in the face of Glory
in the swell of liberation's celebration

shots are fired
as world order throws tantrum with vicious intent
to draw apart what God...your God
is calling together.

Do not turn your face.
Do not turn your feet to walk once again under dust...

beloved, bind to one another, as God's Ecclesia
and as the Spirit reinforces you,
be reminded:

as you are loved, so love

May the aftershock of His passion perpetually draw
one another to another and another...

I wrote this (now slightly edited) as the benediction in the wake of hearing the news of a young man & his girlfriend falling victim to a drive-by shooting. After several days in the hospital, young Emmanuel closed his eyes to this world, and opened them to God's presence. Please continue to pray for his family, for their comfort in this time of deep sorrow and loss. And please pray for the healing of mankind, and hold tight to the beauty of God's kingdom come.

ABOUT THE PHOTO: While walking the banks of a low Blanco River during Lent we stumbled upon these stunning roots. They look just like a person face-down in the dirt. I don't have much to say about the image, just that at first glance it is disturbing, and seems violent...but after sitting with it (from many angles, I took many shots) I contemplate my own holy surrender, and wonder if the initial disturbing feelings I had were a part of me (of pain, resentment, unforgiveness) that I've hoarded, that knows its time is up! Another layer of me, exposed.

2008-03-24T20:07:00.000-07:00

By the water...

Born to the world: November 19, 1997
Dedicated to the Eternal God: Summer, 2002
Birthed into Christ: in daddy's arms, Resurrection Sunday, 2008

Welcome, Noelle.

It's an interesting feeling, mothering. Before I knew better, I swore that she was mine. Before I knew better, I would have dared anyone to try and take her from me. A few years ago, it occurred to me that I belonged to God, and not my parents (or their accomplishments or mistakes)...and as this light was going off, I noticed another flicker...another light...this one was blinking "YOUR KIDS ARE NOT YOURS EITHER."

This is the thought that kept creeping into my heart on this beautiful morning, she never was mine, truly...

The second thought, competing with the first for top rank, was "She chose to love Him. He chose her, and she chose Him back. How truly lovely, and beautiful they are together."

Yes, I am fully AWARE that I will be a complete BASKET CASE the day she walks down the eisle...

Ok, here's the benediction that I wrote for Resurrection Sunday...although it turned out they didn't need one!

the invitation,
extended to you:
the downtrodden, broken & desparing.

COME ONE, COME ALL & TAKE PEACE

the Gate to the Eternal One has opened,
life is flooding down as joy blooms earth into celebration...

for what was confused, is straight
what was refused, belongs
what was still, is on the move
for He who was despised, is Glorified

GLORY BE TO THE ETERNAL ONE!

COME ONE, COME ALL & TAKE PEACE

& while wine awakens your tongue
& as bread transforms from within to life-giving energy
may you accept this invitation
& take your peace of the blessing.

to life!
K

2008-03-14T19:19:00.001-07:00

Ok, I don't know what's up with me posting so much lately...I expect it will taper off once again soon. :) We had the strangest day today...

Mark had a car accident, I was delayed everywhere I went, and none of it seemed to bother me (except for some strange chest/bronchial thing I have--I am SO not used to being sick!)...but my remedy is working!

Then we decided to take Gabe out to lunch at a new Italian place near our house that was DELICIOUS!!! Then, Gabe and I took a nap before meeting friends at the Movie Tavern to see Horton Hears a Who (cute flick!) which was fun. I saw some faces I've missed since we've been away.

Then, to top the night off, we came home, and laid in our yard under the stars, talked a while about the moon, listened to our back-door neighbor jamming and singin' along with too many 1980's tunes to mention, and checked out Noelle's new dance moves before noticing there were FIREFLIES in our yard! We were so excited! I guess they'll hang around until the first mosquito spray...we're looking forward to seeing them in Wimberley next week.

It was an interesting twist of a day...I hope yours was too.

:)

Love, Kelly

2008-03-13T16:15:00.000-07:00

a poem for Easter Sunday

let it all fall.
moan, weep,
release fear to prayer’s wings
& breathe,
fully honor this movement from loss
to recovery,
& though still soaked of downpour, sing.
sing life into lung
deep into soul’s longing
& stoke passion’s blazing response
to Son’s light, and the miracle
of a body, revived.

this just came to me today as i've been working on some 'voice' stuff. i snapped this amazing sunset photo on the way home from Wimberley, Tx one night.

Praise be to God.

2008-03-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

A Blessing, 03.09.08

right here,
right where you are
as possibility thumps a quickened pace in your heart—

bless life.

lives gone, lives present, lives to come

stretch out (a little further even)
&, into the thaw of the Son
May you welcome liberation
& unfold
in freedom.

Amen.